I’ve seen a lot of bad movies, and I’ve even enjoyed some of them, but The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard comes close to making lists for both worst and most unenjoyable film of the year, maybe ever.

The writing is dreadful, some of the worst I’ve ever experienced. Brandon and Phillip Murphy totally flop on their feature film debuts and I’m stunned that Tom O’Connor, the same man who wrote the solid film The Courier, allowed his name to be included here. The jokes aren’t funny, the character interactions aren’t charismatic, and absolutely nothing works throughout the entire film. I wasn’t expecting a lot, but an average film school graduate student could have produced a better script given two weeks of notice.

The acting is about what you would expect with such big names, but they are unable to do much with the lacklaster script and uninteresting situations. Hayek in particular is difficult to watch. I don’t know if it is her character’s lines, her performance, or a combination of the two, but I couldn’t stand any scene wherein she speaks. Nothing comes from her over the course of the entire film except lame jokes and overenthusiastic curses.

The direction by Patrick Hughes is also sub-par. Too much focus is given to boring dialogue instead of developing the villain or supplying us with action and intrigue. The evil scheme in this movie is relatively interesting and is the most promising aspect of the entire film, but it is barely explained and, considering its pivotal role in the film, is hardly focused on. There is no exposition, no climax, no mystery or twist, no feel-good moment, and no excitement. The first film became a surprise hit and this was obviously no more than a means to profit off the new brand name.

If I’m being honest I can name a few movies that are worse than this, but the list is short (recently, Capone comes to mind). It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but I was extremely disappointed despite low expectations and felt it to be a total waste of time. Not recommended for anyone.